'I got judged as a terrible father': Coach, parent, or both? Part two

US Open's Arthur Ashe Stadium. (Getty/Kena Bentancur)

Last month, The First Serve wrote an article about the role of parents as coaches of their own children. This article produced strong opinions from both sides of the debate.

The First Serve's Craig Christopher sat down with several parents with varying viewpoints to gain a clearer understanding of their feelings, beginning with a chat involving one coach.

The First Serve (TFS): "You were quite strong with your opinions regarding this. Do you mind sharing these opinions with our readers?"

Vikram: "I coach both of my daughters and firmly believe I am the best person for the job. I know them better than anyone. I understand how far I can push them, when they need rest and what they need to do to reach the top. I do not need to spend thousands of dollars on coaches who do not care about them like I do when I am giving them all the instructions they need."

TFS: "Do you come from a tennis-playing background yourself? Where did you gain your coaching experience?"

Vikram: "I played at my club in India with friends. I have watched countless YouTube clips of professionals and copied the best of each of them and passed them on to my daughters."

TFS: "We just watched your youngest daughter play a girl that I coach. Your daughter has a lot of potential. Do you have someone helping you both with a development plan, tournament planning, fitness and future goals?"

Vikram: "(Laughs) Why would we need all of that when she is already competing at this level? I am a software engineer and played soccer in India, so I think I am capable of designing the relevant programs for both of my daughters."

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We then sat down with Paul, who has two daughters playing the junior tournament circuit.

TFS: "You read our article last month about parents coaching their kids, and you are firmly of the belief that they should not. Do you mind expanding on this?"

Paul: "Yes, I did read your article and thought there were some good arguments for both sides. Having attempted both sides personally, I can say from my experiences that parents should not coach their own children!

"I used to play at a Challenger level and was playing at a high level when I began coaching my eldest daughter after she showed an eagerness to play. She was good for her age and wanted to test herself, so she started playing tournaments. I explained to her that it would be a hard road and success would not be instant, but she was determined, so we gave it a go.

"Within three months, she had stopped playing tennis entirely and stopped talking to me, which hurt the most. It took us a long time to get back to the relationship we had previously, and I vowed not to make that mistake with my youngest. I knew you from around the traps, and since you've been coaching my youngest, she loves the game, loves competing, has a great group of friends, but just as importantly, we have an amazing father-daughter relationship, which I wouldn't trade for all the trophies in the world. 

"In my opinion, parents should stick to parenting and let coaches coach. Of course, parents can take an interest in their progress and support them financially and emotionally, but if you find a coach you trust, you can work closely with them whilst keeping the parent/child and coach dynamic separate."

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The final parent we sat down with was Sanath — a single dad who recently moved to Australia from Sri Lanka. He has four daughters who all play at a tournament level.

TFS: "You mentioned that you read last month's article and became very emotional. Are you able to discuss what evoked these feelings?"

Sanath: "When I read your article, I became very emotional because I questioned if I was doing the right thing by my daughters by coaching them myself. We are from Sri Lanka, so the girls started playing in group lessons over there.

"One year ago, my wife passed away, so we moved to Australia for a fresh start. As you can imagine, it was very difficult for all of us, especially the girls who all adored their mother.

"Tennis was one thing they all loved, and I wanted to keep them going with it, but tennis is far more expensive here, so with moving and all the expenses that go with it, I could not afford for them to have lessons. I was working two jobs to pay rent, bills, school fees and trying to save for a bigger place, so unfortunately, tennis lessons fell lower on the list of priorities. The girls understood this and were content not to play anymore.

"I was determined for them to play, so I watched every video, read every book I could to gain as much experience as possible. I found a local club with a reasonable family membership price and began taking the girls down there each night. I would place myself on the court next to the head coach whenever possible and listen to his advice, watch his drills and incorporate them into my girls hitting. I would then watch the club members play competition and take notes on their game style and how best I could use this to help my girls. 

Then they started going to tournaments, which all four wanted to play. We packed our own food, stayed in the cheapest accommodation we could find and made use of the bathroom and shower facilities at the clubs we visited.

"When I read your article, it made me sad to think I was not and could not provide the best for my girls. I got judged as a terrible father who was doing things so cheaply and not giving my daughters the best of everything. I am so sorry that I can't, but I am doing the best with what I have. Maybe one day this will change, but until then, I will continue coaching them, not because I think it's the best but because it's the only choice I have."

After chatting with these parents and numerous others, I think it is fair to say that it is definitely not a blanket rule that parents should or shouldn't coach their kids. Each family is different and all have their own stories.

Ultimately, nobody is going to care more for a child than their own parent, so I believe it is important we trust that they will do what they feel is best for their child to be happy and healthy, and if they become a champion tennis player, well, that's a bonus.

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